Do you pray?

 Do you pray?

Not in a religious context but do you

Ask the universe for things

For virtues

For relief from suffering

And believe that some power

Some spirit

Some intelligence or consciousness

Greater than human understanding

Hears you?

I've prayed

And I believe those prayers

Were answered because

When I see you

I freeze

My soul scrambles

To find a sign

some indication

That your soul can hear mine

So I prayed

For a smile

That reached your eyes

For our hands to touch

Sending shivers up my spine

For some small connection

Like when you say

"I hope you have a nice day"

And it's genuine

Now when I pray

I'm afraid to ask for more

Because if my prayers aren't answered

it might feel awkward

When I go to the grocery store 

The victim hood

You're such a wonderful victim

You've really perfected your martyrdom

Like a pick pocket

You proclaim yourself generous and kind

And with a slight of hand

Take everything you can reach

And as the last bit of value

Is lifted from the pocket

Accuse your mark

Of taking advantage of you

It's quite exquisite

This lie you've convinced yourself of

Crafted to shield you from

Your own truth

In order to control disappointment

You contrive it

You create your own inner chaos

And spew it onto anyone

Naive enough to believe

Your kindness isn't conditional

And your love isn't a paper house

As empty Inside

As you

While you set it ablaze

With those you lured

still inside

You shout to the neighborhood

"Look! I was so generous and kind

And they tried to burn me alive!"

Self evident

Before me sits the evidence
So clear I can't deny
That every time you said
'I love you'
You told another lie

You never saw me truly
As the man I am
You loved the idea that
You could fix me
And mold me to be
Your man

As you cut me down to size
And broke me into bits
You always grew so angry
When the pieces would not fit

So I've gathered all the pieces
The ones you threw away
And put them back together
Into this man who's here to stay

His spirit won't be defeated
Nor broken by the lies
All the evidence that's needed
Sits inside his eyes

knights

Knights in shining armor

Haven’t seen many battles
They seem to always
Show up after the battle has
Been won
And take credit
While the knights in 

Battered armor
Pieces missing
Wounds bleeding freely
Are rarely seen
As anyones savior
Rough around the edges
Missing a few meals too many
Somehow still finding
The strength to go on
When those with shiny armor
Would have rode away long before
Those swordsmen
With tangled hair
And missing teeth
Hard eyes

And calloused hands
Are the ones
Who tame dragons
Instead of slaying them

And win the battles

Time and time again

While the knights are 

Polishing their armor

The battered sleep in 

Their mismatched 

Suit 

Riddled with scars 

Weapons close at hand

While the knights in shining armor

Are always on the look out

For another damsel to rescue
While the battered and bloody warrior

Tends to his own wounds

spire

  the definition of passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion

it is also defined as suffering, specifically the suffering of christ

there exists a natural aversion to suffering

but without passion

without barely controlled emotion

life would be lackluster

without passion

there's no inspiration

unite

 "How do we unite our passions and pleasures with our daily responsibilities to create a world embraced by love?"

We walk into the dark.
Take risks and get filthy.
We take the time to breathe
and let gratitude wash away
the grief and hurt
We blow on our spark
until it's a raging fire
and all that is hidden
is revealed
We confront our demons
We stare them down
because demons are 
cowards
They require a vessel
to control
and when you look
them in the eye
they almost always
slink back to the darkness
We love life as life loves us
and our flame grows
all the more bright
and illuminates our 
INVICTUS ANIMUS
our unconquerable souls
with love as our light
and our hearts as guides
we merge
what we are privileged 
to do
with who we are blessed
to become

Inspiratrix

The glow of your essence

Unfolding the creases

Pressed in the fabric of my being

Gently bathing me in warm light

And inspiring every inhale

Granting tender permission

To let go

With every exhalation 

Unconditional

In the eyes of 

my children 

I find 

all the love 

I've been aching for

My whole life

anger _in progress

 I keep seeing these memes

that anger is a good emotion.
on to some extent I agree. Anger is a reaction to something. 
When some one hurts you, it's natural to feel angry.
When my father died, I was angry with him. And that felt pretty stupid. 
Dead men don't really give a damn if you're angry with them.
Anger can reveal when someone is manipulating you.
When some one is trying to use shame or guilt to control you
When you realize you've been deceived.
When you see a double standard applied in the expectations put on you.

I've seen another meme

"Explain your anger instead of expressing it and you will find solutions instead of arguments"

I feel like that might need some extra unpacking. 
It isn't entirely specific WHO you're explaining your anger to.
And it presumes that if you're explaining your anger to another person
that they will have the desire to understand and cooperate with you
to find solutions to the root cause of the anger.
It also presumes that you have enough self awareness and a sufficient vocabulary 
to articulate your anger, it presumes you have the emotional maturity to process
your emotions in a healthy manner, then enough self control to verbalize what
behaviors, words, gestures, triggers, expectations, or unmet needs got you 
to the place of becoming angry in the first place. 
And to presume that any of that can happen, while someone is enraged, seems a bit
counter intuitive. 

I've encountered the mentality 
that with anger there's only two options
expression or suppression
explanation is a third as expressed in the meme
transformation is a forth
Processing seems like a reasonable step
perhaps explaining your anger to yourself first
Is more productive than explaining it to another person right away. There's tremendous power in anger, it can be discerning, illuminating truth from fiction. It can be motivating, fueling action, it has an element of impulse that sparks motion whether creative or destructive. Like any strong emotion, anger has great potential, for harm as well as growth. 

Rollercoaster

Your words were flowing and full of love

So often I got lost in them

In your presence I found serenity and comfort 

And in our passion I felt close to the divine 

Your actions told a different story

Slowly eroding my trust and self worth 

The words and presence sometimes soothed the hurt

But in in your absence I found truth

The constant fear of losing you 

was cultivated with intention

The unclear definition of where we both stood

The rollercoaster though exciting

Was equally Terrifying 

I'm much happier being 

Off of that ride

Define

 What defines a person?

Their habits? Shortcomings? 

Their personality or identity. 

Is a person defined by their own perception of themselves? Or defined by how they're perceived by others?

Do you define a person by their appearance or body? Their taste in music? Their preference for certain things over others? 

Can you define a person by how they treat others? Isn't it a cruel irony that the nicest people are so harsh to themselves while the most malicious seem to never feel guilt or repercussions for the pain they cause others.

Do you define a person by their career? Their work?

Do you define them by their passion, their vibrance, their spark of life buring through the world igniting wildfires or carefully hidden and protected lest anyone throw water on the last shred of hope they possess

Do you define them by their character? The self beyond the persona? How often does this character reveal itself  and is it static or ever changing? 

Do you define a person by their ability? Their drive and desires, the skills they've acquired, the stories and movies and emotions they've inspired?

Do you define a person by their worth to society or their own self worth, their confidence and self esteem, or do you define them by how big they dream

Do you define them by their childhood? Whether traumatic or pleasant. Chaotic or structured, do you define them by the privilege they inherited or the obstacles they've overcome? 

Can you define a person by their empathy and compassion? Their virtue and grace? Or their apathy and malevolence, their depression or rage?

How do you define a human? With a lifetime to live, once you've given them a definition, they'll likely slip

Out of the noose of being defined. 

In rage we trust

 Anger corrodes

It will tarnish and rust your happiness
Your contentment and peace will fall apart
Piece by piece
It's tempting to hold on to it
For even as it burns and rots the skin from your hands
It makes you feel strong, justified and righteous
Where otherwise you would feel weak
Hurt, or grief
Fanning the flames of your rage
Mixing the toxins of grudges and resentments
Casting blame and fault
Pouring the acid of your anger
Onto it's deserving subject
Until it dissolves or begs mercy
Allows you to avoid those things you'd
Rather not feel
To ignore those things
You'd rather not see
To deny those things
You wish weren't real

Grace

my favorite irony

is grace

by it's very nature

it is not a 

skill to be learned

or an achievement

it's not earned

like the wisdom of the elders

or innate 

like the innocence of a newborn

it's truly a divine gift

bestowed for a moment

among all the mundane

grace appears 

As a gift 

From the source 

Time

don't make the mistake
of thinking that you 
have time
time has you
and it will have it's way

Saying

 When I say

I love you
It's not a metaphor for some
Ineffable feeling I can't articulate
It's not an analogy for some empty gesture
A craving to Convey my care and affection
It's not some subliminal message
That you'll have to translate
and read between the lines to understand
It's nothing
Beyond those three words
It's my heart and soul opened
Ready to envelop your essence
It's my spirit delighted In your presence
It's the child inside me
Saying
I love you

Your fault

 "This is all your fault!"

You yelled at me as he drove away
Swerving and unsteady he left
Drunk in a cloud of dust
That moment has crystallized
The veneer cracked
And the truth so carefully disguised
Spilled out

You wanted him to stay
And me to leave
The fragile reconciliation
We had come to
The remorse and apologies
All shattered In an instant

That was the moment
My trust broke
My faith was lost
I couldn't understand it then
But now it seems clear
Every "you're unavailable, but I'll wait"
Was a projection
But also a request
For my patience and tolerance
For me to wait for you
until you moved on from him

You exclaimed
"I don't want to sleep with him"
But you did
"I don't want to be with him"
But you were

It's clear now
What your priorities were

I feel this

I am tired of writing poems about people who hurt me. I’m tired of writing poems about being traumatised and angry. I’m tired of the way everything feels like a cage these days and I wish exhaustion with loneliness wasn’t the reason why some people fall in love, but we are all tired of not being held, afraid of being alone, we all want someone to look at us like we are the sun, we all wish that when someone kisses us they do not see our tired souls but the moon in our eyes. I’m trying to do better. I’m trying to want myself in a way where I feel I do not need the love of others. Most days, I fail at this. Most days I lie there holding onto love’s tender hands and pretend it is healing to do that. I try to see myself the way I wish someone else would. Like I am beautiful. Like I am enough.

Nikita Gill

Just once by keira vanderkolk

  Just once by Keira Vanderkolk

The very thing that distinguishes us both

is that I wouldn’t hesitate to choose you in every lifetime

but you wouldn’t even choose me in this one

and although I gave you my flesh and bones

I know I cannot love you into loving me

so there you are overflowing with my love

and here I am pleading for a droplet of yours or whatever I could salvage

but there must come a time where you recognize that to grieve someone

hurts a lot less than forcing them to be a part of you

and I know I should not beg for love

but just once I wanted someone to be afraid of losing me

over and out

she said "i don't want to yell at you"

she didn't say "i'm sorry for yelling at you"

she might as well have said
"don't make me yell at you"

she said "I could be so good to you"

she never said "I will be so good to you"

I saw the truth in the end
when she said "you don't deserve me"

There was always some excuse 

For the ways that she hurt me

Some twisted words explaining

Why there was no apology 

Wrecktangle

When adoration turned to cruelty

Malicious intent disguised as empathy

That sadistic gleam after the drinking

I hate myself 

Hiding in

I love you

And it's echo of apathy

8/24/2020

big sad

 the big sad
in a perfect world
i would be perfect world
but here i am
perfectly flawed
torn up
wore out
made of straw
easily blown
about
lit on fire
trampled under
feet
here i lay
grinning
while i grit my teeth
tomorrow is another day
and maybe i'll have something 
more to say
but right now
i'm just 
a big sad

And so it is

 If we are like drugs to eachother

Then we'll reach a climax
Build a tolerance
And eventually start hating
The very thing that once made 

us
More will cease to be 

enough

Like gamblers we rolled the dice
Spun that roulette wheel
Put all our chips on love
Betting with heart strings
That there's some exit strategy
An escape from inevitable withdrawal
Hoping we can forge hearts into steel
"Quit while you're ahead"
Reads the highway exit
Mashing the accelerator with our feet
While our hands let go of the steering wheel