Grace

my favorite irony

is grace

by it's very nature

it is not a 

skill to be learned

or an achievement

it's not earned

like the wisdom of the elders

or innate 

like the innocence of a newborn

it's truly a divine gift

bestowed for a moment

among all the mundane

grace appears 

As a gift 

From the source 

Time

don't make the mistake
of thinking that you 
have time
time has you
and it will have it's way

Saying

 When I say

I love you
It's not a metaphor for some
Ineffable feeling I can't articulate
It's not an analogy for some empty gesture
A craving to Convey my care and affection
It's not some subliminal message
That you'll have to translate
and read between the lines to understand
It's nothing
Beyond those three words
It's my heart and soul opened
Ready to envelop your essence
It's my spirit delighted In your presence
It's the child inside me
Saying
I love you

Your fault

 "This is all your fault!"

You yelled at me as he drove away
Swerving and unsteady he left
Drunk in a cloud of dust
That moment has crystallized
The veneer cracked
And the truth so carefully disguised
Spilled out

You wanted him to stay
And me to leave
The fragile reconciliation
We had come to
The remorse and apologies
All shattered In an instant

That was the moment
My trust broke
My faith was lost
I couldn't understand it then
But now it seems clear
Every "you're unavailable, but I'll wait"
Was a projection
But also a request
For my patience and tolerance
For me to wait for you
until you moved on from him

You exclaimed
"I don't want to sleep with him"
But you did
"I don't want to be with him"
But you were

It's clear now
What your priorities were

I feel this

I am tired of writing poems about people who hurt me. I’m tired of writing poems about being traumatised and angry. I’m tired of the way everything feels like a cage these days and I wish exhaustion with loneliness wasn’t the reason why some people fall in love, but we are all tired of not being held, afraid of being alone, we all want someone to look at us like we are the sun, we all wish that when someone kisses us they do not see our tired souls but the moon in our eyes. I’m trying to do better. I’m trying to want myself in a way where I feel I do not need the love of others. Most days, I fail at this. Most days I lie there holding onto love’s tender hands and pretend it is healing to do that. I try to see myself the way I wish someone else would. Like I am beautiful. Like I am enough.

Nikita Gill

Just once by keira vanderkolk

  Just once by Keira Vanderkolk

The very thing that distinguishes us both

is that I wouldn’t hesitate to choose you in every lifetime

but you wouldn’t even choose me in this one

and although I gave you my flesh and bones

I know I cannot love you into loving me

so there you are overflowing with my love

and here I am pleading for a droplet of yours or whatever I could salvage

but there must come a time where you recognize that to grieve someone

hurts a lot less than forcing them to be a part of you

and I know I should not beg for love

but just once I wanted someone to be afraid of losing me

over and out

she said "i don't want to yell at you"

she didn't say "i'm sorry for yelling at you"

she might as well have said
"don't make me yell at you"

she said "I could be so good to you"

she never said "I will be so good to you"

I saw the truth in the end
when she said "you don't deserve me"

There was always some excuse 

For the ways that she hurt me

Some twisted words explaining

Why there was no apology 

Wrecktangle

When adoration turned to cruelty

Malicious intent disguised as empathy

That sadistic gleam after the drinking

I hate myself 

Hiding in

I love you

And it's echo of apathy

8/24/2020

big sad

 the big sad
in a perfect world
i would be perfect world
but here i am
perfectly flawed
torn up
wore out
made of straw
easily blown
about
lit on fire
trampled under
feet
here i lay
grinning
while i grit my teeth
tomorrow is another day
and maybe i'll have something 
more to say
but right now
i'm just 
a big sad