?

 I do not question if this love is real, for we have made it real. What more clear sign is needed beyond this blissful agony whose rhythm is measured to the tempo of our heart beats? The universe does not count the eons of colliding molecules, asteroids and super nova that set a steady course for our inevitable orbit and ineffable connection. So neither will I. Question love? Doubt it's legitimacy? My soul would rather be crucified in perpetuity than to exist in a universe where our paths never crossed. A wanderer at heart, ever searching for the slightest glimmer of something so glorious. All doubt and fear have been abandoned for I cannot carry them. I hold too much love. Yours and mine. 

Destination

 When I hitched rides around the country 

I waited

Rarely with patience

I desperately wanted a ride

I can't fully articulate 

The intensity of that desperate urge

It consumed my mind

As if wanting it harder

Would manifest my desire 

Often patience only arrived

When the desperation had engulfed everything 

More often I just started walking

The urgent calling of my destination

Propelled me forward 

Every time a car pulled over

Hope and gratitude overwhelmed me

It became a drug

Over time the destination took a back seat

To the addiction

The desperate longing

Relieved by overwhelming gratitude 

I'd fantasize that I'd meet 

The love of my life

She'd pull over

And take me home

And I'd never need another ride again

I'd be saved from desperation by love

By bliss

Now as I sit here

Reflecting on all the rides

All the destinations

I become aware of that final destination 

That place we all go

The destiny and fate 

Shared by every living being

And realize

That last ride

Will be a hearse

I won't wait for it patiently

1 week

 It's been a week since we talked

I did try to call

I sent a text

I spent the first couple days trying to 

Not think about it

The first day was hard

I replayed the conversation over and over

Saw all my contradictions 

My incoherence 

I saw how I was ashamed 

And trying to hide my longing 

I didn't show up authenticity 

I tried so hard to convince you

I was worthy, and lovable

And I saw my anxiety and confusion 

I offered love like an abstract

I asked for your definition 

And I asked without saying the words

Am i valuable?

And before waiting for the answer I lied

And said

Im not available

I don't believe in romance

I'm emotionally vacant 

So the last week I spiraled 

I obsessed, I questioned, I doubted 

And prayed

And now a full week has passed

I saw you in the street and waved

And you looked away

I couldn't tell if you didn't see me

Intentional avoidance or not

I felt unseen

But it's been a full week

And this idea, this fantasy has taken up

Too much space in my mind

There's no anchor, no foundation 

Nothing I can point to

No direction I can step in

For a full week I've sat here, feeding the fire

Swimming in my simmering insecurities 

Looking at all the ways I'm not enough 

How I want to do better 

How I used you to distract me

I used you to construct a fantasy 

That if I could earn your love

Secure your attention

Stoke your longing 

It would be proof I was worthy

I poured over our astrological charts

Examined the compatability 

Looking for proof 

We were fated by the stars

Or more importantly 

An excuse to abandon hope

I searched for 

Any explanation that didn't 

Reveal the hollow feeling

That I wanted you to fill

A week ago 

I started digging this hole

Wondering if I'd find you there

A week of introspection

Soul searching

Being real and honest 

With myself 

And this realization 

That I am the cause of my own pain

My suffering and attachment 

My idealization and projections 

These are the tools I used to dig this hole

It's been a whole week

And I don't want to dig any deeper

Im going to bury this idea I'm a failure 

This unworthiness, this self-doubt

I can't let my life hang on your choice

These thoughts are a noose I tied myself

I put it around my neck

And in your hand

And asked you to take it off

Or give me a push

I pre-emptively rejected you

Because I fear being used

Controlled 

Abandoned 

Im terrified of losing 

My purpose 

My dreams

My connections

My self worth that's barely walking

That i had to fight and scream and 

Die inside just to find

It's been a full week since the war started 

Inside me it's been raging 

And as I walk through the devastation 

Seeing both sides have run out of ammunition 

I wonder at how much internal wreckage 

Can be caused in only a week

After one conversation 

Letting go

 As the day unknown draws near

I reflect on my progress 

I see the wreckage left

After my internal war

In the ruins 

Flowers grow

Pushing through ash

Through snow 

It's cold outside 

But my heart is warm

No longer an anchor 

Sinking in the ocean

My weightless spirit soars

No longer faltering 

On unsteady wings of hope

But released from gravity itself

By this grace stored in my soul

Of all the art in the world

My masterpiece 

Is this art of letting Go

Fear

Im afraid I'll hide my pain

Im afraid I'll ask you to carry too much of it

Im afraid I'm a novelty

Im afraid I'm a fixer-upper

Im afraid I'll over give

"I killed a plant once because 

I gave it too much water.

Lord! 

I worry love is violence" -Jose Oliviarez

Im afraid I'll over explain

I'll talk and talk and talk until I realize

I've said nothing at all

I'm afraid I'll withdraw

I'll be present physically 

But emotionally and mentally 

Not there 

at all

I'm afraid I'll be 

Too raw

Too unhealed

Too intense 

Too much trauma

I'm afraid of my rage

Tattooed on my hand

I'm afraid I'll waste my life

If I dont have a plan

I'm afraid of having 

No direction

No purpose

Im afraid if I choose one or some

And achieve my biggest dreams

They won't be as satisfying as 

Just sitting having done

Nothing 

I'm afraid that one day

Your heart will close

Love will be declined 

Im afraid you'll say

"Hey, I just wanna be friends

I was telling you the whole time"

I'm afraid my dog will die

I'm afraid that love and grief 

Are so intertwined

There's no escape 

And when our hearts ache

I'm afraid we'll realize

That we are both the victim 

And We both committed the crime

Im afraid I'm overwhelmed 

I'm afraid if I cry 

I won't stop

Until the end of my life

Im afraid because every time 

I'm most in love with life

Is also

When I most want 

to die

Getting undressed

 We put on identities like clothes

Picking out the labels and traits 

Like shirts and shoes

We choose what fits 

What feels comfortable 

What others think looks good on us

We'll wear thick jackets 

To protect against the cold of rejection 

We'll wear silk shirts 

To disguise the jagged raging landscape within

We'll wear the camouflage of modesty

To make us invisible in the chaotic scenery 

Of being human

When we grow out of an article

We'll discard it, and in the same way

We discard past versions of ourselves 

Sometimes we put things on

That don't quite fit

That are uncomfortable

That accentuate the parts of ourselves

We think are desirable

And hide the parts we are ashamed of

We might wear the same clothes for days

Sometimes years

As they turn to rags

We'll Wonder why we feel torn up

We might change our clothes

Several times a day

When nothing seems to feel

Quite right

We rummage and scour our closets and dressers

Looking for an old outfit

Something sentimental and pleasant

With horror we realize we'd outgrown it

Disposed of it

And so disposed of a something we cherished.

Often when meeting people 

Revealing ourselves feels like

Getting undressed

Rarely will we ever allow ourselves 

To be fully naked 

Even with the partners we make love to

And if we do disrobe completely 

showing our fully naked selves

There's discomfort and embarrassment for all involved

It's rare to encounter another soul

You'll strip down in front of

Do a little twirl

Show off your shame

Timidly asking

Can you accept me?

The whole nakedness 

Of my being

It's why we turn the lights off

Before making love

Or find candle light romantic 

The flickering and shadows

Hiding our embarrassment 

Our scars and shameful parts

But still we make love with our souls

Fully dressed 

Broke

This is delayed agony
This is all the times
My heart broke
But I didn't let it
Break
I didn't feel it
I moved on
Ran away
This is it
All of it

It's devastating
It's a torment
A torture I inflicted
On myself

Perhaps from ignorance
Maybe weakness
My soul doesn't care
If I'm strong enough
It is bleeding and
Tearing me apart

I'm waiting
For the blood
To stop pouring 

How to drown

 I may have gotten too good at

Letting go

But please don't judge me

You must understand

That the weight of this world

Threatens to drown me

Delighted I explore

The depths

Finding treasures and insights 

The discarded and disposable 

I can't bring everything

With me

Back up to the surface

After every dive

I need to breathe again

Feel the sunlight on my face

Pushed and pulled by the waves

The treasures and mysteries below 

Call to my curiosity

I know

I will drown

If I don't let them go

Tinder heart

My heart is a pile of tinder

A very tender pile

Crushed easily 

But just as easily 

Set ablaze

The smallest spark

Ignites the pitch and shavings

Such fire consumes 

Often I've been drawn

To other's sparks

Many times I've allowed them

To set me alight without asking

If they intend to add fuel

Often they never did

As they warmed themselves 

The fire slowly died 

Leaving this smoldering pile

In search of another tinder heart

Our daily love

 Fall in love daily.

That was the rule I lived by for many years.

Busking on the streets, hitching rides to new cities

Forever a stranger

Perceived as an inconvenience, an obstacle 

The vast majority ignored my existence

Being invisible felt safe

I saw that everyone carries the same ache

The same longing to be understood

To be acknowledged 

And that is the very foundation of relationship

When someone acknowledges your existence

Even in the slightest way, a head nod, a half smile

You're relating

For a moment 

For eternity 

You're human

So often lonely, hopeless and afraid 

I made this rule 

To keep hope alive

Not hope in some romantic fantasy 

Or that someone would save me

But hope that as long as I was alive

I would find love everyday. 

I learned a lot about love this way

Love isn't an instinct the way attachment is

Love is a skill you practice

It is an endeavor, an adventure, an odyssey 

To love well

You must learn to let go

Love will challenge your inhibition

It will reveal your attachments to 

Everything that isn't love

Your persona, desire, longing

All the shame you've contained and rejected

There were days when I saw no people

Sometimes weeks

But I still followed my rule

I fell in love with deserts and mountains 

Sunsets and trees

I fell in love with sensation

So cold I thought I would die

But I loved the cold for reminding me i was 

Still alive. 

I found that not all we love is beautiful. 

Alleyways and dark corners of dive bars

Drinking circles on sidewalks that turn into fights

The bodily beatings that never touched my soul

People in so much pain they destroy themselves

Sometimes they destroyed me too

I'll never regret loving

I refuse to be ashamed or embarrassed 

I won't measure love by how long it stays

Or what it gives in return

Like a climber pushing past the limits 

Embracing the aches and pains

Straining against weight that increases 

heavier with every move upwards

I fall in love to build my strength

So that

When all I have and all I've done

is finally stripped away

I won't cling to my dying breath

I will still love even in passing

As I loved passing strangers with kind eyes

And half smiles

For so many years

While I was mostly invisible

I fell in love daily