i loved you first

 the close of the last chapter
was a bit rough
some harsh feelings
trouble sleeping
I want you to know
I wasn't trying to use you
but I see how you got that feeling

I'm sorting out my own

and I don't want to believe

you were using me either

it's difficult to not

want to rip open each others
wounds
we've come to a point
And we'll put to rest
the trials and tribulations
this isn't a test
to be passed or failed
hopefully we can sleep soundly
and this won't trouble our dreams
everyone agrees
there's no one else like you 
in the entire world it seems

here i sit
in my infancy
exploring fearlessly

Groceries

 So around the time the pandemic started causing some waves in our very insulated lives, I decided to go grocery shopping. Under normal circumstances cassie would do most of the shopping, but these weren't normal circumstances. This is when all the toilet paper was sold out, and there was a real fear that the food would be next. At the time cassie was working full time and I was struggling to find work, it seemed prudent to stock up when the food stamps hit. Since I wasn't working there was some hope that I would ease some of her stress by taking on that responsibility. My goal was to stock up enough dry goods and shelf stable foodstuffs to make it through a month or two, so I was trying to stretch every dollar and get the most I could for the cheapest price possible. I got lots of spaghetti and sauce, canned vegetables and meats, trying to only get stuff that was on sale, as well as our usual staples. I ended up spending about 400$ of the 600$ on the card. I got home and put away all the groceries and surveyed the haul and felt secure that we could make it through at least two months without starving. Then cassie came home, and started going through every cabinet and critiqued every single purchase. Saying things like "we're just gonna survive on pasta forever" and "I can't believe you bought green beans". It was so shocking that at first I didn't know how to respond, I just let her pull all the food i had just bought out of the cabinets and throw it in a pile on the floor. Then she wanted me to return it all and I started getting defensive, it turned into a full blown shouting match, which I lost. The words still ring in my head 

"how could you be so stupid"
"What were your thinking"
"Why do I have to do everything"
"You're going to take it all back"

It was devastating. I was devastated. It was hard for me to comprehend why she was so upset, and once the personal attacks started, I stopped trying to comprehend and put all my energy into just defending myself. It's still confusing to me. In the end we didn't return the food. But the result was that I was never "allowed" to go grocery shopping again.

Blankets

we should go stare at the stars 

theres not much else to be said 

where's it going to get us if we 

regress

maybe figuring it out

is less important than 

wanting it to figure out

we don't have any answers 

but the questions excite the spirit 

and we don't want to hear that

when our eyes open the razor edge of logic gets applied

reducing the danger of these ineffable desires

disseminating and dismissing the elephant in the room 

we can have a discussion about the eruption

and why it snows when a volcano blows

watch as these flowers bloom 

from the seeds we sow

and wonder if theres enough room

for dreaming

on the surface there is this ebb

and flow

torn between comfort

and the desire to grow

quick snaps back between

impulsivity and rationality

the contrast sweet and salty

savory and spicy 

you got to deal with some danger

when you try and create safety

there on a barren hilltop

among the radio repeaters and transmitters

two bodies of flesh projecting

love uninhibited across the entire valley

for a chilly windswept moment 

keeping warm in lovely company

while the dog kept stealing the blankets

4:27 am

 It's 4:27 am

I woke up to stoke the fire
And you were Inside my head
Once I had the coals gathered
The kindling lit and the flames roaring
For a moment I pushed away the thoughts
And opened pandora's box of emotions
These feelings that are the precursors of
Thought
Have been so overwhelming for some months
They're defying rationalization
No simple definition will contain them
Love, lust, infatuation
All fall short
It's 4:36 am
And the fire is hot
I already anticipate the sorrow
When I lay back down
And the realization that
Holding you, waking up with you
Are no longer options
Its 4:41 am
And I'm considering just
Staying up
Watching the sunrise
I'm afraid that these thoughts and feelings
Won't cease when I lay down
But intensify
When I close my eyes 

Need to find a friend

 There's no consolation in you saying

You're sorry
The man who did his best to raise me
Is dead
I'm sorry Bo is dead
But that doesn't bring him back
Or ease the grief
In fact it slightly stings
I'm sorry if that's a sore spot
Pertaining to us
I feel some relief
Somewhat like a captive set free
Not to say I was an involuntary prisoner
But I was captivated and enthralled
Through the uncomfortable anguish to
The joyful pleasure and safe serenity
I was a consenting participant
I appreciate your gift of love unconditional
And it's lack of shackles or strings
We both acknowledged this as a chapter
In our own separate books

My biggest fear is that we've
Grown so accustomed to hiding
The truth of our moments together
That it be habit
And you reflexively diminish it when recounting
I'll understand that you were only protecting yourself
When I hear "she told me about" and it casts me in a minor role
I'll try not to take it personally
I've caught this notion that we'll
Always be lovers
But we've past the point of
Performing the act of making love
At least in this lifetime
I thank you for being gentle and generous
These rough hands and beard hide my fragility
I hope I contributed more
Than i diminished or destroyed
Because I hate this feeling of
Leaving you with less

If I look for the silver lining
It's that it's all coming at the same time
If I'm destined to grieve now
Best to get all that grief on the plate and
Deal with it at once
I see now how I took advantage of our romance
To bury these raw emotions long enough
For the rage to turn to sadness
And so if it's convenient for you to minimize us
In the moment
It isn't undeserved

As broken as I feel right now
I can also sense that the time we shared and
The moments we sometimes stole
Will lend me strength in times I feel weak
And gentleness when I feel stern
Sober me when I feel overwhelmed and intoxicated
And comfort me when I feel alone

How did this happen

It's five minutes to eleven and
Just the thought of holding you
Right now is overwhelming
The reality of holding you
Takes my sensibilities and inhibitions
Out to the metaphorical wood shed
As much energy as I've spent
Reducing and resisting these feelings
Pushing back against unbidden emotions
That effort has turned into the exponent
They are compounded by
There aren't enough locks to guard them
No vault deep or secure enough
To contain the torrent
For every word I said there were a thousand I blocked
Every look I gave I never allowed the thought
That this could even really happen 

Stroke

 Strokes of luck 

A stroke of genius
Strokes of love
Wet, throbbing, hot
(Redacted)
Starting slow
Then gaining speed
Hands gripping tight
Soaking spasms
Shaking bodies
Sweet release
Begging please
Please
Don't leave
Escalating
Gaining steam
Stroke hard
Give it up
Stroke soft
Like a paint brush
Slow down
Make it gush
Relax
Breath
Pounding
Like an ax
On a tree
Log is hard
Flower soft
No need to rush
To find the spot
A stroke of genius
A stroke of luck
Strokes of gushing
Wet hot love

Not once

 Not once in 5 years

Did you apologize
Or Express remorse of any kind
I've racked my brain
Looking for a single example
And came up with nothing
For 5 years you showed me
Exactly how entitled you felt
With your condescending tone
Your constant frustration
Your belittling and criticizing
All the credit you took
For my accomplishments
For 5 years you tore me down
At every opportunity
Rubbing my nose in every failure
Never missing a chance
To tell me how I deserved
To be treated that way
How your lack of affection
Was my fault
That the price was more
Than I could afford
It took 5 years for me to see
Exactly how conditional
Your love is
When I needed a hug
You criticized me
When I came home from work
And expected a kiss
You told me how unhappy you were
Or how gross I was
You told me how you
Didn't want to touch me
Every time I just wanted to hold you
Or cuddle
You said you didn't want to have sex
You told me that all intimacy
Was sexual
I couldn't touch you
Without you assuming
I wanted sex

True

 While love is temporary 

is true
It's not the whole truth
Love can be a rock
Solid and stable
But even rocks are weathered by
Wind and rain
Slowly dissolved
Love can be like
A river
Sometimes slow and meandering
Sometimes fast and rapid
And even the mightiest rivers
Change course
In this way
Love has the power
To transform
To grow
To dissolve
As you cling to love
As a rock
It weathers and crumbles
Growing ever smaller
Then you can
Lament the loss of your rock
Or lay in the sand
Of love transformed
You can dam the river
Direct it's course and control
The flow
Build great reservoirs
To store the waters
But love must flow freely
Guarded with jealousy
And hoarded
Love stagnates
When this river of love
Can not change course
The springs that feed it
Slow to a trickle
Love occurs
And love dissipates
The trees love the sun and the soil
The rain and the wind
They love their ancestors
That feed the soil with their bodies
They love the streams running
Deep underground
They never wail as the sun sets
Or resent the rain for not falling
They never curse the wind
For falling their older siblings and parents
But find joy in the ways
Love changes the landscape
The love of the trees is slow to transform
And the love of the river is fast
Keep your love
In perpetual motion
Fresh and new
Do not allow fear
To keep you from falling in love
Every day
The trees do not fear the storm or drought
The river does not fear changing course
The rock rejoices as it turns to sand

Something about reality

 There's something about the way

When we kiss, reality has less of an edge
And for that moment
Nothing is wrong
Nothing is right
I suppose it's what they call bliss
And I love it
Somehow wonderful
And terrible
Simultaneously
When our lips meet
I'm held in limbo
Some perdition of
Wet love warm and soft
The parting is as sweet as
The coming together

This is reality
As soft and warm as I am
Is as cold and hard as I can be
Some threat lurks to
Break this
Bliss
Temporary
And transient
There is joy
In the tide washing away
This castle made of sand
Today and tomorrow
I will be your man
In secrecy
The ball is in our court
No need to claim me
This love will never die
But the transition
Could be harsh
Without communication
You're someone really special
For me to give up my solitude
And when the kiss ends
My terror is tempered with
Gratitude 

You probably shouldn't read this

Well I suppose I'd tell you how your eyes turn so many shades of green 

there's not one I've seen
twice
But it's likely I'd over articulate
And start binding it up till the whole sentiment 

buckles under it's own weight
In much the same way this conceptual
In love
Gets hyper extended when handled in purely
Linguistic terms
It's an immense concept and when moved to
Reality
The gravity of being
In love
Rips apart beliefs and boundaries
I'd suppose being
In love
Is probably as dangerous as a thunderstorm
On the plains
Beautiful to behold
And exciting to be inside of
Easy to get swept away in
And sometimes shorter than we'd hoped
If I weren't so afraid of wishing for such things
I'd wish to be
In love
Like the first hurricane
of the season
Anticipation and suspense that has been
Building since the last summer ended
Barreling toward my coast
All the passion tangible as the humidity rises 

The pressure dropping in sync with my heart
As the tropical front appears on the horizon
The outer bands teasing me
Small brief storms that hint at the fury coming
Every downpour increasing in intensity
Drenching the entire reality
Soaking the roots of mighty oaks
As stout as my resistance to being
In love
And conspiring with the wind
To topple my inhibitions
As first they blow north to south
Then suddenly change direction
As the eye of the storm passes
I'd wish to be
In love
Like the storm that lasts for a week
Every day feeling like years
The power will go out on the first day
And being
In love
Will be a storm lantern
Casting shadows and leaving a soot ring on the ceiling
Like the dirty finger prints
that get left
on the walls and doorways
because we can't see them
In the dim light
love would leave it's stains
with style to remind us
We peek out the windows
of the house
trying to see what
didn't get tied down
in this storm of
In love
We'd stand on the porch wondering
if the water would
Crest the top stair and pour into the house
Being
In love
Would be the sound of the water lapping against the foundation 

splashing under the wood floor
Such a soothing sound hinting at danger.
Being
In love
Would be walking out
of that house before
it's flooded.
Knowing it won't flood and still wading into those waters
Letting the wind push the rain through
my clothes and the water carry me
towards the intersection
Feeling the roar
of the storm drains inside my chest
and the suction pulling on my legs
Being
In love
Would be that piece
of floating wreckage that
I'd cling to as the water rises
It would be that final surrender
to the storm of being
In love
as I float clinging to my fear
Finally giving up the struggle
against the storm
deposited on higher ground
surveying the wrecked landscape
All the wreckage wouldn't be ugly
but instead beautiful in it's arrangement
Patio furniture and Orphan garbage cans contorted into monuments of furious love
Flooded cars abandoned and filled with leaves wrappers and mud, like so many statues attesting to the futility of trying to escape being
In love
I wish to be
In love
The way the storm turns the waves
The same shade of green
your eyes turn
When you look at me
And I let myself believe
We could be
In love