?

 I do not question if this love is real, for we have made it real. What more clear sign is needed beyond this blissful agony whose rhythm is measured to the tempo of our heart beats? The universe does not count the eons of colliding molecules, asteroids and super nova that set a steady course for our inevitable orbit and ineffable connection. So neither will I. Question love? Doubt it's legitimacy? My soul would rather be crucified in perpetuity than to exist in a universe where our paths never crossed. A wanderer at heart, ever searching for the slightest glimmer of something so glorious. All doubt and fear have been abandoned for I cannot carry them. I hold too much love. Yours and mine. 

Destination

 When I hitched rides around the country 

I waited

Rarely with patience

I desperately wanted a ride

I can't fully articulate 

The intensity of that desperate urge

It consumed my mind

As if wanting it harder

Would manifest my desire 

Often patience only arrived

When the desperation had engulfed everything 

More often I just started walking

The urgent calling of my destination

Propelled me forward 

Every time a car pulled over

Hope and gratitude overwhelmed me

It became a drug

Over time the destination took a back seat

To the addiction

The desperate longing

Relieved by overwhelming gratitude 

I'd fantasize that I'd meet 

The love of my life

She'd pull over

And take me home

And I'd never need another ride again

I'd be saved from desperation by love

By bliss

Now as I sit here

Reflecting on all the rides

All the destinations

I become aware of that final destination 

That place we all go

The destiny and fate 

Shared by every living being

And realize

That last ride

Will be a hearse

I won't wait for it patiently

1 week

 It's been a week since we talked

I did try to call

I sent a text

I spent the first couple days trying to 

Not think about it

The first day was hard

I replayed the conversation over and over

Saw all my contradictions 

My incoherence 

I saw how I was ashamed 

And trying to hide my longing 

I didn't show up authenticity 

I tried so hard to convince you

I was worthy, and lovable

And I saw my anxiety and confusion 

I offered love like an abstract

I asked for your definition 

And I asked without saying the words

Am i valuable?

And before waiting for the answer I lied

And said

Im not available

I don't believe in romance

I'm emotionally vacant 

So the last week I spiraled 

I obsessed, I questioned, I doubted 

And prayed

And now a full week has passed

I saw you in the street and waved

And you looked away

I couldn't tell if you didn't see me

Intentional avoidance or not

I felt unseen

But it's been a full week

And this idea, this fantasy has taken up

Too much space in my mind

There's no anchor, no foundation 

Nothing I can point to

No direction I can step in

For a full week I've sat here, feeding the fire

Swimming in my simmering insecurities 

Looking at all the ways I'm not enough 

How I want to do better 

How I used you to distract me

I used you to construct a fantasy 

That if I could earn your love

Secure your attention

Stoke your longing 

It would be proof I was worthy

I poured over our astrological charts

Examined the compatability 

Looking for proof 

We were fated by the stars

Or more importantly 

An excuse to abandon hope

I searched for 

Any explanation that didn't 

Reveal the hollow feeling

That I wanted you to fill

A week ago 

I started digging this hole

Wondering if I'd find you there

A week of introspection

Soul searching

Being real and honest 

With myself 

And this realization 

That I am the cause of my own pain

My suffering and attachment 

My idealization and projections 

These are the tools I used to dig this hole

It's been a whole week

And I don't want to dig any deeper

Im going to bury this idea I'm a failure 

This unworthiness, this self-doubt

I can't let my life hang on your choice

These thoughts are a noose I tied myself

I put it around my neck

And in your hand

And asked you to take it off

Or give me a push

I pre-emptively rejected you

Because I fear being used

Controlled 

Abandoned 

Im terrified of losing 

My purpose 

My dreams

My connections

My self worth that's barely walking

That i had to fight and scream and 

Die inside just to find

It's been a full week since the war started 

Inside me it's been raging 

And as I walk through the devastation 

Seeing both sides have run out of ammunition 

I wonder at how much internal wreckage 

Can be caused in only a week

After one conversation 

Letting go

 As the day unknown draws near

I reflect on my progress 

I see the wreckage left

After my internal war

In the ruins 

Flowers grow

Pushing through ash

Through snow 

It's cold outside 

But my heart is warm

No longer an anchor 

Sinking in the ocean

My weightless spirit soars

No longer faltering 

On unsteady wings of hope

But released from gravity itself

By this grace stored in my soul

Of all the art in the world

My masterpiece 

Is this art of letting Go

Fear

Im afraid I'll hide my pain

Im afraid I'll ask you to carry too much of it

Im afraid I'm a novelty

Im afraid I'm a fixer-upper

Im afraid I'll over give

"I killed a plant once because 

I gave it too much water.

Lord! 

I worry love is violence" -Jose Oliviarez

Im afraid I'll over explain

I'll talk and talk and talk until I realize

I've said nothing at all

I'm afraid I'll withdraw

I'll be present physically 

But emotionally and mentally 

Not there 

at all

I'm afraid I'll be 

Too raw

Too unhealed

Too intense 

Too much trauma

I'm afraid of my rage

Tattooed on my hand

I'm afraid I'll waste my life

If I dont have a plan

I'm afraid of having 

No direction

No purpose

Im afraid if I choose one or some

And achieve my biggest dreams

They won't be as satisfying as 

Just sitting having done

Nothing 

I'm afraid that one day

Your heart will close

Love will be declined 

Im afraid you'll say

"Hey, I just wanna be friends

I was telling you the whole time"

I'm afraid my dog will die

I'm afraid that love and grief 

Are so intertwined

There's no escape 

And when our hearts ache

I'm afraid we'll realize

That we are both the victim 

And We both committed the crime

Im afraid I'm overwhelmed 

I'm afraid if I cry 

I won't stop

Until the end of my life

Im afraid because every time 

I'm most in love with life

Is also

When I most want 

to die