1 week

 It's been a week since we talked

I did try to call

I sent a text

I spent the first couple days trying to 

Not think about it

The first day was hard

I replayed the conversation over and over

Saw all my contradictions 

My incoherence 

I saw how I was ashamed 

And trying to hide my longing 

I didn't show up authenticity 

I tried so hard to convince you

I was worthy, and lovable

And I saw my anxiety and confusion 

I offered love like an abstract

I asked for your definition 

And I asked without saying the words

Am i valuable?

And before waiting for the answer I lied

And said

Im not available

I don't believe in romance

I'm emotionally vacant 

So the last week I spiraled 

I obsessed, I questioned, I doubted 

And prayed

And now a full week has passed

I saw you in the street and waved

And you looked away

I couldn't tell if you didn't see me

Intentional avoidance or not

I felt unseen

But it's been a full week

And this idea, this fantasy has taken up

Too much space in my mind

There's no anchor, no foundation 

Nothing I can point to

No direction I can step in

For a full week I've sat here, feeding the fire

Swimming in my simmering insecurities 

Looking at all the ways I'm not enough 

How I want to do better 

How I used you to distract me

I used you to construct a fantasy 

That if I could earn your love

Secure your attention

Stoke your longing 

It would be proof I was worthy

I poured over our astrological charts

Examined the compatability 

Looking for proof 

We were fated by the stars

Or more importantly 

An excuse to abandon hope

I searched for 

Any explanation that didn't 

Reveal the hollow feeling

That I wanted you to fill

A week ago 

I started digging this hole

Wondering if I'd find you there

A week of introspection

Soul searching

Being real and honest 

With myself 

And this realization 

That I am the cause of my own pain

My suffering and attachment 

My idealization and projections 

These are the tools I used to dig this hole

It's been a whole week

And I don't want to dig any deeper

Im going to bury this idea I'm a failure 

This unworthiness, this self-doubt

I can't let my life hang on your choice

These thoughts are a noose I tied myself

I put it around my neck

And in your hand

And asked you to take it off

Or give me a push

I pre-emptively rejected you

Because I fear being used

Controlled 

Abandoned 

Im terrified of losing 

My purpose 

My dreams

My connections

My self worth that's barely walking

That i had to fight and scream and 

Die inside just to find

It's been a full week since the war started 

Inside me it's been raging 

And as I walk through the devastation 

Seeing both sides have run out of ammunition 

I wonder at how much internal wreckage 

Can be caused in only a week

After one conversation