Not once

 Not once in 5 years

Did you apologize
Or Express remorse of any kind
I've racked my brain
Looking for a single example
And came up with nothing
For 5 years you showed me
Exactly how entitled you felt
With your condescending tone
Your constant frustration
Your belittling and criticizing
All the credit you took
For my accomplishments
For 5 years you tore me down
At every opportunity
Rubbing my nose in every failure
Never missing a chance
To tell me how I deserved
To be treated that way
How your lack of affection
Was my fault
That the price was more
Than I could afford
It took 5 years for me to see
Exactly how conditional
Your love is
When I needed a hug
You criticized me
When I came home from work
And expected a kiss
You told me how unhappy you were
Or how gross I was
You told me how you
Didn't want to touch me
Every time I just wanted to hold you
Or cuddle
You said you didn't want to have sex
You told me that all intimacy
Was sexual
I couldn't touch you
Without you assuming
I wanted sex

True

 While love is temporary 

is true
It's not the whole truth
Love can be a rock
Solid and stable
But even rocks are weathered by
Wind and rain
Slowly dissolved
Love can be like
A river
Sometimes slow and meandering
Sometimes fast and rapid
And even the mightiest rivers
Change course
In this way
Love has the power
To transform
To grow
To dissolve
As you cling to love
As a rock
It weathers and crumbles
Growing ever smaller
Then you can
Lament the loss of your rock
Or lay in the sand
Of love transformed
You can dam the river
Direct it's course and control
The flow
Build great reservoirs
To store the waters
But love must flow freely
Guarded with jealousy
And hoarded
Love stagnates
When this river of love
Can not change course
The springs that feed it
Slow to a trickle
Love occurs
And love dissipates
The trees love the sun and the soil
The rain and the wind
They love their ancestors
That feed the soil with their bodies
They love the streams running
Deep underground
They never wail as the sun sets
Or resent the rain for not falling
They never curse the wind
For falling their older siblings and parents
But find joy in the ways
Love changes the landscape
The love of the trees is slow to transform
And the love of the river is fast
Keep your love
In perpetual motion
Fresh and new
Do not allow fear
To keep you from falling in love
Every day
The trees do not fear the storm or drought
The river does not fear changing course
The rock rejoices as it turns to sand

Something about reality

 There's something about the way

When we kiss, reality has less of an edge
And for that moment
Nothing is wrong
Nothing is right
I suppose it's what they call bliss
And I love it
Somehow wonderful
And terrible
Simultaneously
When our lips meet
I'm held in limbo
Some perdition of
Wet love warm and soft
The parting is as sweet as
The coming together

This is reality
As soft and warm as I am
Is as cold and hard as I can be
Some threat lurks to
Break this
Bliss
Temporary
And transient
There is joy
In the tide washing away
This castle made of sand
Today and tomorrow
I will be your man
In secrecy
The ball is in our court
No need to claim me
This love will never die
But the transition
Could be harsh
Without communication
You're someone really special
For me to give up my solitude
And when the kiss ends
My terror is tempered with
Gratitude 

You probably shouldn't read this

Well I suppose I'd tell you how your eyes turn so many shades of green 

there's not one I've seen
twice
But it's likely I'd over articulate
And start binding it up till the whole sentiment 

buckles under it's own weight
In much the same way this conceptual
In love
Gets hyper extended when handled in purely
Linguistic terms
It's an immense concept and when moved to
Reality
The gravity of being
In love
Rips apart beliefs and boundaries
I'd suppose being
In love
Is probably as dangerous as a thunderstorm
On the plains
Beautiful to behold
And exciting to be inside of
Easy to get swept away in
And sometimes shorter than we'd hoped
If I weren't so afraid of wishing for such things
I'd wish to be
In love
Like the first hurricane
of the season
Anticipation and suspense that has been
Building since the last summer ended
Barreling toward my coast
All the passion tangible as the humidity rises 

The pressure dropping in sync with my heart
As the tropical front appears on the horizon
The outer bands teasing me
Small brief storms that hint at the fury coming
Every downpour increasing in intensity
Drenching the entire reality
Soaking the roots of mighty oaks
As stout as my resistance to being
In love
And conspiring with the wind
To topple my inhibitions
As first they blow north to south
Then suddenly change direction
As the eye of the storm passes
I'd wish to be
In love
Like the storm that lasts for a week
Every day feeling like years
The power will go out on the first day
And being
In love
Will be a storm lantern
Casting shadows and leaving a soot ring on the ceiling
Like the dirty finger prints
that get left
on the walls and doorways
because we can't see them
In the dim light
love would leave it's stains
with style to remind us
We peek out the windows
of the house
trying to see what
didn't get tied down
in this storm of
In love
We'd stand on the porch wondering
if the water would
Crest the top stair and pour into the house
Being
In love
Would be the sound of the water lapping against the foundation 

splashing under the wood floor
Such a soothing sound hinting at danger.
Being
In love
Would be walking out
of that house before
it's flooded.
Knowing it won't flood and still wading into those waters
Letting the wind push the rain through
my clothes and the water carry me
towards the intersection
Feeling the roar
of the storm drains inside my chest
and the suction pulling on my legs
Being
In love
Would be that piece
of floating wreckage that
I'd cling to as the water rises
It would be that final surrender
to the storm of being
In love
as I float clinging to my fear
Finally giving up the struggle
against the storm
deposited on higher ground
surveying the wrecked landscape
All the wreckage wouldn't be ugly
but instead beautiful in it's arrangement
Patio furniture and Orphan garbage cans contorted into monuments of furious love
Flooded cars abandoned and filled with leaves wrappers and mud, like so many statues attesting to the futility of trying to escape being
In love
I wish to be
In love
The way the storm turns the waves
The same shade of green
your eyes turn
When you look at me
And I let myself believe
We could be
In love

A given

 Taken for granted 

The sun still rises

Raw splendor burning away

The mist and confusion of the night

Lunacy fades as the dawn breaks 

Perhaps it's why the earth quakes 

Like distant lovers it shakes as 

The sun's rays caress it's face

As the earth and moon dance 

The sun keeps them safe 

From the cold apathy

Of outer space

good enough

tell me about drunk enough to pass out
and i'll tell you about drunk enough to forget
i'll tell you out how good is better that perfect
and how perfect doesn't exist 

in our world of
good 

enough

You're going to forget most of what i say
but the feeling will linger
in that razor blade way that 

feelings
cut deep

you never remember the cut
only the scar, and the feelings it's left
on your chest while your memories of pain
are laid to rest

such is life

24

Sometimes we cross lines without realizing it until there is no going back.
When I slow down enough to reflect on what I am feeling, I see that there's a duality going on inside of me where I feel an emptiness so deep it feels like I'm drowning and a fullness so large it feels like I'm overflowing. I am exploding and imploding, totally in control of my out of control impulsive behaviors. I am the writer and main character of this movie.

I met a girl in New Orleans, she saw me feeding my dog on the sidewalk and was compelled to tell me how beautiful he is. There was no way for me to express how beautiful he is to me, and that compelled me to tears. She was from New Zealand. They don't have homeless people where she was from. She'd never met someone close to her own age living on the streets. Watching me cry made her uncomfortable. She wanted to stop me from crying.

I'm still not sure exactly why I was crying.