Fear

Im afraid I'll hide my pain

Im afraid I'll ask you to carry too much of it

Im afraid I'm a novelty

Im afraid I'm a fixer-upper

Im afraid I'll over give

"I killed a plant once because 

I gave it too much water.

Lord! 

I worry love is violence" -Jose Oliviarez

Im afraid I'll over explain

I'll talk and talk and talk until I realize

I've said nothing at all

I'm afraid I'll withdraw

I'll be present physically 

But emotionally and mentally 

Not there 

at all

I'm afraid I'll be 

Too raw

Too unhealed

Too intense 

Too much trauma

I'm afraid of my rage

Tattooed on my hand

I'm afraid I'll waste my life

If I dont have a plan

I'm afraid of having 

No direction

No purpose

Im afraid if I choose one or some

And achieve my biggest dreams

They won't be as satisfying as 

Just sitting having done

Nothing 

I'm afraid that one day

Your heart will close

Love will be declined 

Im afraid you'll say

"Hey, I just wanna be friends

I was telling you the whole time"

I'm afraid my dog will die

I'm afraid that love and grief 

Are so intertwined

There's no escape 

And when our hearts ache

I'm afraid we'll realize

That we are both the victim 

And We both committed the crime

Im afraid I'm overwhelmed 

I'm afraid if I cry 

I won't stop

Until the end of my life

Im afraid because every time 

I'm most in love with life

Is also

When I most want 

to die

Getting undressed

 We put on identities like clothes

Picking out the labels and traits 

Like shirts and shoes

We choose what fits 

What feels comfortable 

What others think looks good on us

We'll wear thick jackets 

To protect against the cold of rejection 

We'll wear silk shirts 

To disguise the jagged raging landscape within

We'll wear the camouflage of modesty

To make us invisible in the chaotic scenery 

Of being human

When we grow out of an article

We'll discard it, and in the same way

We discard past versions of ourselves 

Sometimes we put things on

That don't quite fit

That are uncomfortable

That accentuate the parts of ourselves

We think are desirable

And hide the parts we are ashamed of

We might wear the same clothes for days

Sometimes years

As they turn to rags

We'll Wonder why we feel torn up

We might change our clothes

Several times a day

When nothing seems to feel

Quite right

We rummage and scour our closets and dressers

Looking for an old outfit

Something sentimental and pleasant

With horror we realize we'd outgrown it

Disposed of it

And so disposed of a something we cherished.

Often when meeting people 

Revealing ourselves feels like

Getting undressed

Rarely will we ever allow ourselves 

To be fully naked 

Even with the partners we make love to

And if we do disrobe completely 

showing our fully naked selves

There's discomfort and embarrassment for all involved

It's rare to encounter another soul

You'll strip down in front of

Do a little twirl

Show off your shame

Timidly asking

Can you accept me?

The whole nakedness 

Of my being

It's why we turn the lights off

Before making love

Or find candle light romantic 

The flickering and shadows

Hiding our embarrassment 

Our scars and shameful parts

But still we make love with our souls

Fully dressed 

Broke

This is delayed agony
This is all the times
My heart broke
But I didn't let it
Break
I didn't feel it
I moved on
Ran away
This is it
All of it

It's devastating
It's a torment
A torture I inflicted
On myself

Perhaps from ignorance
Maybe weakness
My soul doesn't care
If I'm strong enough
It is bleeding and
Tearing me apart

I'm waiting
For the blood
To stop pouring 

How to drown

 I may have gotten too good at

Letting go

But please don't judge me

You must understand

That the weight of this world

Threatens to drown me

Delighted I explore

The depths

Finding treasures and insights 

The discarded and disposable 

I can't bring everything

With me

Back up to the surface

After every dive

I need to breathe again

Feel the sunlight on my face

Pushed and pulled by the waves

The treasures and mysteries below 

Call to my curiosity

I know

I will drown

If I don't let them go

Tinder heart

My heart is a pile of tinder

A very tender pile

Crushed easily 

But just as easily 

Set ablaze

The smallest spark

Ignites the pitch and shavings

Such fire consumes 

Often I've been drawn

To other's sparks

Many times I've allowed them

To set me alight without asking

If they intend to add fuel

Often they never did

As they warmed themselves 

The fire slowly died 

Leaving this smoldering pile

In search of another tinder heart

Our daily love

 Fall in love daily.

That was the rule I lived by for many years.

Busking on the streets, hitching rides to new cities

Forever a stranger

Perceived as an inconvenience, an obstacle 

The vast majority ignored my existence

Being invisible felt safe

I saw that everyone carries the same ache

The same longing to be understood

To be acknowledged 

And that is the very foundation of relationship

When someone acknowledges your existence

Even in the slightest way, a head nod, a half smile

You're relating

For a moment 

For eternity 

You're human

So often lonely, hopeless and afraid 

I made this rule 

To keep hope alive

Not hope in some romantic fantasy 

Or that someone would save me

But hope that as long as I was alive

I would find love everyday. 

I learned a lot about love this way

Love isn't an instinct the way attachment is

Love is a skill you practice

It is an endeavor, an adventure, an odyssey 

To love well

You must learn to let go

Love will challenge your inhibition

It will reveal your attachments to 

Everything that isn't love

Your persona, desire, longing

All the shame you've contained and rejected

There were days when I saw no people

Sometimes weeks

But I still followed my rule

I fell in love with deserts and mountains 

Sunsets and trees

I fell in love with sensation

So cold I thought I would die

But I loved the cold for reminding me i was 

Still alive. 

I found that not all we love is beautiful. 

Alleyways and dark corners of dive bars

Drinking circles on sidewalks that turn into fights

The bodily beatings that never touched my soul

People in so much pain they destroy themselves

Sometimes they destroyed me too

I'll never regret loving

I refuse to be ashamed or embarrassed 

I won't measure love by how long it stays

Or what it gives in return

Like a climber pushing past the limits 

Embracing the aches and pains

Straining against weight that increases 

heavier with every move upwards

I fall in love to build my strength

So that

When all I have and all I've done

is finally stripped away

I won't cling to my dying breath

I will still love even in passing

As I loved passing strangers with kind eyes

And half smiles

For so many years

While I was mostly invisible

I fell in love daily

House

 I found Grief trying to unlock the front door.

As I led her to the couch and pushed Anger aside to make room.

Grief asked me to let her go.

"I've been here too long already, I must be moving on."

I told her not to worry, I had plenty of room, she should stay, there's no where else to go.

I heard a commotion in the kitchen and tripped over Anger laying on the living room floor just  to find Pride crawling out the kitchen window.

I grabbed him by his feet and hauled him back inside.

"But I've burned dinner because you didn't get all the ingredients I asked for! I must go!"

"Nonsense" I replied "you always make due, we'll eat it burnt and bland, it's fine"

I walked back to the living room and saw Rage kicking the prone body of Anger, trying to get a rise out of him. I lunged but before I could grab his tiny body he fled and hid behind the curtains. Crisis averted, Rage could bring the roof down on our heads if he wakes Anger and they both start growing.

At that moment I heard splashing in the bathroom and found Sorrow and and Self Pity crying in the overflowing bathtub, a river of tears pouring out into the hall and headed for the bedroom. "We always ruin everything, you're going to make us leave aren't you?"

I grabbed the towels and realized they weren't going to be enough, so I dumped the dirty clothes basket out in the hallway to stem the tide of water and tears. 

"You guys are fine, it's okay to cry, there's really nothing wrong, you haven't ruined anything" I tried to reassure them. But they wailed in unison, and I shut the door quickly. 

The bedroom was dark but the door was cracked open and as my eyes adjusted to the light I saw Hatred and Disgust coupling on the bed, completely silent in a deadlocked stare.  Lust was fumbling with the latch of the window muttering "my work is done, I must be gone"

I couldn't decide what to do because Hatred and Disgust's relations were so mechanical and devoid of passion it was unnerving and I didn't want to get any closer but Lust had almost gotten the latch undone so I shouted

"Everyone stop what you're doing!"

They all turned to look at me, not a glimmer of light in any of their eyes, the two on the bed continued their rhythm without missing a beat.

"Lust, give these guys some privacy, come out to the living room"

As they slowly turned and walked toward me I saw Shame and Guilt under lust's cloak.

"You guys really can't leave, it's getting cold, you might get lost in the snow."

In the living room Anger was still asleep but Rage had snuck into the kitchen and was poking Pride from under the table. I ushered Lust and Shame and Guilt to the couch next to Grief who was asleep.

I saw lights outside and reasoned they couldn't be coming here, all my closest companions were accounted for, no one else should  be coming.

A gentle knocking at the door caused Fear and Anxiety to come rushing from the closet where they'd been gossiping about Hate and Disgust.

"Who's here? Why are they here, what do they want?" Asked Anxiety.

"Well they can't come in! There's no room, Don't even open the door, they're going to rob you!" Proclaimed Fear.

"The house is a disaster!" Shouted Shame from the kitchen.

I opened the door and was shocked to see Joy, Love, Grace, Hope, Peace and Serenity all standing in the snow.

"What on earth are you guys doing here?! It's freezing out!"

"I was wondering the same thing" piped in Confusion who had been smoking on the porch.

"We got your invitation, but this blizzard slowed us down. Anyway we're here now, and we've no where else to stay" replied Joy

"Well I've got quite the full house at the moment, honestly, no room at all and I really wasn't expecting more guests. Perhaps you could come back tomorrow afternoon, I can tidy up and be more prepared to receive you?"

"Certainly not. We have an invite and it was quite urgent. We can wait outside while you get sorted." Love was adamant.

"We could even help tidy, I'd like to meet your guests, I love making new friends" added Grace.

"Oh, I'm sure you do, but they're not exactly in a friendly sort of making-new-friends state"

The whole time this exchange was taking place, a cacophony was coming out of the kitchen. I half expected Anger or Pride to knock me over and terrorize these new arrivals, but I locked eyes with Serenity and realized she knew exactly how to handle those boys. I turned around just in time to see Pride pushing Grief aside as the whole gang fled out the back door. Grief wailed and flung herself on the back porch sobbing.

I turned around just as Love gently took my hand, and I saw Confusion slinking into the bushes. The whole crew gathered around and lifted me up and carried me inside into the bedroom. There on the bed was a small thing, no bigger than a kitten, growling like a badger and hissing like a snake.

"What the fuck is that?" I asked

"That is Contempt. The unfortunate offspring of Hate and Disgust. I know how to take care of it" Love replied. She bundled up the small creature into the folds of her cloak and the growling and hissing slowly grew more muffled, then silent all together and contempt was gone. My new companions laid me on the bed and sat down all around me.

The cries of Grief still echoed in the hallway and peace got up and walked to the back porch and Grief's wails slowly faded. When Peace returned she held in her hand a black stone the size of a pea.

"Here is a gift" said peace

"A gift? How is Grief's corpse a gift? That's no gift Why wouldn't she disappear like contempt?"

"Because unlike Contempt, which is a product of the union of Hate and Disgust, Grief isn't as much of a product of anything but rather the pain body of real love lost. It's what remains of that love, and IS a gift because it reminds us of the love we had and encourages us to be present and cherish those who are still with us."

Peace handed the small object to Love, and Love set it on the night stand and covered it with her hands and whispered something that sounded like raindrops and windchimes and a soft breeze all at once and suddenly it transformed into a beautiful bouquet of flowers in an obsidian vase.

"How did you do that?"

"Love has the power to transform Grief because it comes from Love, but grief never goes away, and you wouldn't want it to, because then you'd forget the love you shared with those you've lost, Grief reminds us that the love was real" replied Hope.

I protested as Serenity made the bed and Grace pulled me close, but soon I was enveloped in her arms and realized that the smallest of my new companions had suddenly grown in size or perhaps I had become much smaller. Either way I was now in the arms of Grace and she laid me down gently on the bed and Serenity tucked me in. 

She hadn't said a word and when she spoke all sense of time and place ceased to exist in my perception. 

"The others will all eventually return someday, but remember they are visitors, to allow them to become inhabitants simply to stave off Loneliness will result in far worse than Contempt. Ask them why they are here and listen, then let them go on their way."

When I woke in the morning, the flowers were still there in the jet black vase, proof the night before was more than a bad dream. Slowly as I assessed my surroundings i realized there was someone in the kitchen, but the energy was calm. I made my way into the hallway and the wreckage of soaked dirty laundry had disappeared, the smell of bacon and coffee came from the kitchen where I found Hope cooking breakfast. The blizzard gone, my house nearly empty, the snow outside melting in pace with my mind's slow acceptance that healing was taking place, and it was time to allow it in.