i loved you first

 the close of the last chapter
was a bit rough
some harsh feelings
trouble sleeping
I want you to know
I wasn't trying to use you
but I see how you got that feeling

I'm sorting out my own

and I don't want to believe

you were using me either

it's difficult to not

want to rip open each others
wounds
we've come to a point
And we'll put to rest
the trials and tribulations
this isn't a test
to be passed or failed
hopefully we can sleep soundly
and this won't trouble our dreams
everyone agrees
there's no one else like you 
in the entire world it seems

here i sit
in my infancy
exploring fearlessly

Groceries

 So around the time the pandemic started causing some waves in our very insulated lives, I decided to go grocery shopping. Under normal circumstances cassie would do most of the shopping, but these weren't normal circumstances. This is when all the toilet paper was sold out, and there was a real fear that the food would be next. At the time cassie was working full time and I was struggling to find work, it seemed prudent to stock up when the food stamps hit. Since I wasn't working there was some hope that I would ease some of her stress by taking on that responsibility. My goal was to stock up enough dry goods and shelf stable foodstuffs to make it through a month or two, so I was trying to stretch every dollar and get the most I could for the cheapest price possible. I got lots of spaghetti and sauce, canned vegetables and meats, trying to only get stuff that was on sale, as well as our usual staples. I ended up spending about 400$ of the 600$ on the card. I got home and put away all the groceries and surveyed the haul and felt secure that we could make it through at least two months without starving. Then cassie came home, and started going through every cabinet and critiqued every single purchase. Saying things like "we're just gonna survive on pasta forever" and "I can't believe you bought green beans". It was so shocking that at first I didn't know how to respond, I just let her pull all the food i had just bought out of the cabinets and throw it in a pile on the floor. Then she wanted me to return it all and I started getting defensive, it turned into a full blown shouting match, which I lost. The words still ring in my head 

"how could you be so stupid"
"What were your thinking"
"Why do I have to do everything"
"You're going to take it all back"

It was devastating. I was devastated. It was hard for me to comprehend why she was so upset, and once the personal attacks started, I stopped trying to comprehend and put all my energy into just defending myself. It's still confusing to me. In the end we didn't return the food. But the result was that I was never "allowed" to go grocery shopping again.

Blankets

we should go stare at the stars 

theres not much else to be said 

where's it going to get us if we 

regress

maybe figuring it out

is less important than 

wanting it to figure out

we don't have any answers 

but the questions excite the spirit 

and we don't want to hear that

when our eyes open the razor edge of logic gets applied

reducing the danger of these ineffable desires

disseminating and dismissing the elephant in the room 

we can have a discussion about the eruption

and why it snows when a volcano blows

watch as these flowers bloom 

from the seeds we sow

and wonder if theres enough room

for dreaming

on the surface there is this ebb

and flow

torn between comfort

and the desire to grow

quick snaps back between

impulsivity and rationality

the contrast sweet and salty

savory and spicy 

you got to deal with some danger

when you try and create safety

there on a barren hilltop

among the radio repeaters and transmitters

two bodies of flesh projecting

love uninhibited across the entire valley

for a chilly windswept moment 

keeping warm in lovely company

while the dog kept stealing the blankets

4:27 am

 It's 4:27 am

I woke up to stoke the fire
And you were Inside my head
Once I had the coals gathered
The kindling lit and the flames roaring
For a moment I pushed away the thoughts
And opened pandora's box of emotions
These feelings that are the precursors of
Thought
Have been so overwhelming for some months
They're defying rationalization
No simple definition will contain them
Love, lust, infatuation
All fall short
It's 4:36 am
And the fire is hot
I already anticipate the sorrow
When I lay back down
And the realization that
Holding you, waking up with you
Are no longer options
Its 4:41 am
And I'm considering just
Staying up
Watching the sunrise
I'm afraid that these thoughts and feelings
Won't cease when I lay down
But intensify
When I close my eyes 

Need to find a friend

 There's no consolation in you saying

You're sorry
The man who did his best to raise me
Is dead
I'm sorry Bo is dead
But that doesn't bring him back
Or ease the grief
In fact it slightly stings
I'm sorry if that's a sore spot
Pertaining to us
I feel some relief
Somewhat like a captive set free
Not to say I was an involuntary prisoner
But I was captivated and enthralled
Through the uncomfortable anguish to
The joyful pleasure and safe serenity
I was a consenting participant
I appreciate your gift of love unconditional
And it's lack of shackles or strings
We both acknowledged this as a chapter
In our own separate books

My biggest fear is that we've
Grown so accustomed to hiding
The truth of our moments together
That it be habit
And you reflexively diminish it when recounting
I'll understand that you were only protecting yourself
When I hear "she told me about" and it casts me in a minor role
I'll try not to take it personally
I've caught this notion that we'll
Always be lovers
But we've past the point of
Performing the act of making love
At least in this lifetime
I thank you for being gentle and generous
These rough hands and beard hide my fragility
I hope I contributed more
Than i diminished or destroyed
Because I hate this feeling of
Leaving you with less

If I look for the silver lining
It's that it's all coming at the same time
If I'm destined to grieve now
Best to get all that grief on the plate and
Deal with it at once
I see now how I took advantage of our romance
To bury these raw emotions long enough
For the rage to turn to sadness
And so if it's convenient for you to minimize us
In the moment
It isn't undeserved

As broken as I feel right now
I can also sense that the time we shared and
The moments we sometimes stole
Will lend me strength in times I feel weak
And gentleness when I feel stern
Sober me when I feel overwhelmed and intoxicated
And comfort me when I feel alone

How did this happen

It's five minutes to eleven and
Just the thought of holding you
Right now is overwhelming
The reality of holding you
Takes my sensibilities and inhibitions
Out to the metaphorical wood shed
As much energy as I've spent
Reducing and resisting these feelings
Pushing back against unbidden emotions
That effort has turned into the exponent
They are compounded by
There aren't enough locks to guard them
No vault deep or secure enough
To contain the torrent
For every word I said there were a thousand I blocked
Every look I gave I never allowed the thought
That this could even really happen 

Stroke

 Strokes of luck 

A stroke of genius
Strokes of love
Wet, throbbing, hot
(Redacted)
Starting slow
Then gaining speed
Hands gripping tight
Soaking spasms
Shaking bodies
Sweet release
Begging please
Please
Don't leave
Escalating
Gaining steam
Stroke hard
Give it up
Stroke soft
Like a paint brush
Slow down
Make it gush
Relax
Breath
Pounding
Like an ax
On a tree
Log is hard
Flower soft
No need to rush
To find the spot
A stroke of genius
A stroke of luck
Strokes of gushing
Wet hot love